Friday, 21 September 2012

3rd time in a row! Horrific!!!!

3rd time in a row! Horrific!!!!

Well it has been an emotional roller coster! So far...

There has been not much going on apart from miss communications and the good old waiting game! After being passed on from Monday to Tuesday to Wednesday it finally came round! I did not want to have the PEG-J done again because of the horrors I faced the first 2 rounds in which I was wide awake as the sedation did not work and both times was a failure the jej extension was not in the right place! Again!

On Tuesday i broke down massively because i was told they couldn't do it that day either! The uncertainty stabbed me numerously all over non-stop! I cried a lot not because I was in pain. But because I was let down again! I just had crazy thoughts in my head I wanted to pull out everything my gastric tube. My IV canular. Blood pressure equipment. Everything. I felt almost suicidal! And just run away and start eating!

But then came to the rescue my psychologist who is the sweetest person I ever know. She works with adolescents with chronic illnesses. If you see her round she brightens the mood. She came in and I felt relieved! A familiar face. I cried and cried and let it all out to her. She was very considerate and listened to everything I said. She said she would have come earlier if she knew I was in the hospital. All thanks goes to my dad for ringing her up and telling her I was here. Talking to her made the bulldozer on my chest decrease slowly. She spoke to the the doctors and told them how I felt and everything. Thank you so much!
Trust me if you see her in a room she brightens it up with her wonderful Cherie attitude and smile! She truly is a radiant angel!

Wednesday finally came and believe you me I was terrified!!! In the back of my mind I knew, it was not going to work. What was not going to work?
1) the sedation. 2) the positioning. This time round I had lost full trust in these doctors! My endoscopy time creeped by slowly yet fast! The appointment was at 10:30 and I was there before that and the waited game started again! I practically knew most of the staff their each one of them coming up to me and shocked trying to co fort me saying this time round they will use a different sedation and will go as far as they dare to. Also a more senior consultant will do it! With his eyes closed! That how confident they were lol

So 2 and half hours later the time came. All that time the intensity increased and I was getting pictures of the previouse 2 scopes that were unsuccessful in which I was wide awake! This time round they were going to do it under X-ray screening to be more precise. I was rolled into the the endoscopy room In my bed where I laid on scope bed read for the procedure. All this time I was shaking nervous, dry tears rolling down and throat lumped up had the oxygen tube put up my nose and it was burning me so badly. I was sneezing with tears rolling down.

They told me to lay down on my side and relax. Relax?! Really?!
I tried my best. But all the flash backs of the past 2 failed procedures rushed down on me and made me feel cold and empty. The first shot of sedation was injected in... Nothing. Second shot... Nothing. This was supposed to be stronger! I didn't feel not even feel the slightest dizziness just normal third shot... Nothing. And the scope went down! The old jej extension was taken out and yes I felt it fully! And as the scope was going down I could see it on the screen and I was gagging and vomiting violently. There were parts where I would get up and was put down they tried their best. The feeling of tubes and cameras in my throat was not new but made all the past few days thoughts permanently scared into my mind and this and the flashbacks both hit me violently! I was crying!

There were moment where I would turn from the scope screen to the X-ray screen. I basically saw the whole procedure for the third time. And I have a feeling I will be able to carry out that procedure with out any trouble as I was wide awake in the process, learning at the same time! I guess that's the only good thing that came out of it.

They said it was done.
But I wasn't convinced.
I asked for it to be flashed. And they did. Guess what?... I felt it in my stomach. It was in my stomach I told them. They were in disbelief because the X-ray before showed it in the right place. Like I said I wasn't convinced. I asked them to aspirate it and check the pH. Yes I was awake and setting and speaking. Sedation didn't work! So if they couldn't do that I told them to X-ray it and they did. Guess what?...
It was curled and looped in the stomach!
The saying 3rd time lucky did not work! At all.

I just busted out in tears!!! I don't know what came over me but the failure just melted me to the point where there was nothing left to melt.
I couldn't stop crying. They said they were going to leave it like that.
They wouldn't do more. As if I was going to let them do more. I was taken to the recovery place. Recover? Ironic? I was crying. Crying. Crying.
Well let's just say a storm of the atlantic sea swarmed its was into my my heart and eyes with non stop thunder of tearful rain, anger and disappointment!

I couldn't contain it anymore. The grande had exploded violently. Torn me apart into unrecognisable pieces.
Being awake through the procedure and it's pain didn't fuel the tears as much as the the disappointment did. I could feel the curled up jej tube in my stomach! And felt sick by it. I couldn't face my dad or anyone. I was just so angry at everyone and especially at my self and my body for it not working out. For failing me.

That's when the full suicidal thoughts rushed in like a hurricane!
I wanted to pull everything connected to me. And I did I swore at the staff and threw the heart rate monitor, the blood pressure monitor away from me. I was about to do the same to my gastric tube and jej tube but my dad stopped me. I wanted to run out and punch anyone that came in my way. And I almost did. I had doctors coming round to talk to me I just told them I don't want to see them or anyone else. I have never felt this way before.
I just wantedd to kill my self!

All this time my dad was standing there and I saw the sadness in his eyes the sorrow further fuelled my anger! What could he do. He tried to calm me I punched him away! But slowly I came to my senses with my dads smooth and soft words and calmed down just to almost get my sanity back!
if my dad was not with me I don't know what would have happend.

I asked them to remover the jej extension tube as it was curled in the stomach so from then onwards my PEG-J became just a PEG.

The waiting game continues.

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